Dear Saturday,
I havent wrote in over a week. I just haven't felt like it. I started my new medicine, but you knew that, and for a while it went good. I still get crabby a lot and irritated but I guess that's just normal for me. Not much as changed. Sorry. Maybe Ill write more sometime soon but really, I only want to write 52 post before the year ends....That's it.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
1-19-11
Dear Wednesday,
It was one year ago around this time that we got rid of my dog Charlie. I miss him so much and could really use him during all of this. He use to be my best friend. Maybe thats why i want another dog....maybe thats also why i wont get close to a dog. I still cry over missing Charlie. Anyway, ive been out of it lately. Trying to ignore my feelings. I dont want to do anything except listen to the same music over and over. I dont wanna talk i dont wanna breath i dont wanna be me, i just want the world to pause for a minute. I need to think a lot of stuff through. Today i go see my councilor, which is really good, but i still dont want to go to school. I wish there was a way i could just stay home.... The new pills ive been taking have made my stomach hurt at random times but im not gonna tell anyone. They are suppose to work mentally so thats all i care about. Your probably thinking why i havent gotten to the point of this yet and to be truthful i dont know if you should know whats going on.
Part Two:
I saw Martha. She thinks my medicine is working. Yeah, okay. But I was able to get everything off my chest and she gave me some advice. And honestly, I feel better, but I feel the same.
So Tuesday my brother went to court to try to get custody of his daughter, he didnt, but he gets to see her every other weekend. (: And over the weekend my brother James and I got into an argument.....It didnt end well......For me.
But no matter what I just need to get over the past (which is exactly what it is). Okay, okay, that's what I say whenever I'm really hurt emotionally or mentally but I dont know, why should I keep this over my head? Plus all bruises are healing so I guess that's good.
It was one year ago around this time that we got rid of my dog Charlie. I miss him so much and could really use him during all of this. He use to be my best friend. Maybe thats why i want another dog....maybe thats also why i wont get close to a dog. I still cry over missing Charlie. Anyway, ive been out of it lately. Trying to ignore my feelings. I dont want to do anything except listen to the same music over and over. I dont wanna talk i dont wanna breath i dont wanna be me, i just want the world to pause for a minute. I need to think a lot of stuff through. Today i go see my councilor, which is really good, but i still dont want to go to school. I wish there was a way i could just stay home.... The new pills ive been taking have made my stomach hurt at random times but im not gonna tell anyone. They are suppose to work mentally so thats all i care about. Your probably thinking why i havent gotten to the point of this yet and to be truthful i dont know if you should know whats going on.
Part Two:
I saw Martha. She thinks my medicine is working. Yeah, okay. But I was able to get everything off my chest and she gave me some advice. And honestly, I feel better, but I feel the same.
So Tuesday my brother went to court to try to get custody of his daughter, he didnt, but he gets to see her every other weekend. (: And over the weekend my brother James and I got into an argument.....It didnt end well......For me.
But no matter what I just need to get over the past (which is exactly what it is). Okay, okay, that's what I say whenever I'm really hurt emotionally or mentally but I dont know, why should I keep this over my head? Plus all bruises are healing so I guess that's good.
Friday, January 14, 2011
A Heads Up
Dear Friday,
Dear blog reader of mine, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I won't be doing another blog until Wednesday.
Of course I don't do them on weekends, and I don't have school on Monday, and Tuesday is gonna be a long day.
Details on Wednesday.
Be praying! :)
Dear blog reader of mine, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I won't be doing another blog until Wednesday.
Of course I don't do them on weekends, and I don't have school on Monday, and Tuesday is gonna be a long day.
Details on Wednesday.
Be praying! :)
Thursday, January 13, 2011
1-13-11
Dear Thursday,
I hate you! I don't like using that word but shit dude did you HAVE to be that HARD on me!? Don't you know I'm recovery from depression?
So I wake up today and I am yet again sooo tired, but then my stomach starts hurting and I just want to get sick, but I dont. So I get ready for school and leave. (I wore my tan pants since laundry needs to be done, but it hasnt yet) then when I get to 5th period (which is basically first period of the day) and my stomach starts yelling at me! I would say growling but I wasn't hungry (granted that I hadnt ate yet) Then in 6th period we are still doing our drawings, although we are learning to draw for this big project we are doing soon, its really boring. So I'm not even trying. Sorry to say that :/
So then in the beginning of lunch I ate my brownie I brought and then I went and got nachos. I just didn't want them. I had to stop eating them because I felt like I wanted to get sick again :(
Then I went to algebra. Usually I would have put a frown face, but I have an 87 in that class! See I know some of you are smart and have better grades then that, but considering I had a 77 last semester, I consider this REALLY good. :)
Then World Geography. This was when my day came to the crushing worst part (don't worry it wasn't that bad, it just hurt me a lot emotionally). The class wouldn't shut up, so Mrs.Winzeler was pissed about that, plus she is sick, plus we've been talking about The Cold War since school started and we should be past this already, and we arent. We REALLY are interested in the Cold War, but since she is leaving school for a week and three days she doesnt have enough time to cover all of our questions and she gets irritated easily, so we finally get on topic, and of course, off topic. Then some girl starts arguing with Mrs.Winzeler about drafted into war, and Mrs. Winzeler gets mad, then upset. She tells us how WE are taking HER away from her BABY girl. At first we was just mad they we are still talking about the Cold War but then she almost started crying talking about how her daughter just learned to say "uh-oh" and how to clap her hands. Then she said that all she wants to do tonight is go home and drop things, say "uh oh" and clap her hands with her daughter, instead of rearranging our schedule so we can finish the Cold War and what we are moving onto next within the next couple of weeks. Thankfully, class was almost over. But THEN, she tells us to get out a piece of paper and assigns us homework. WTF! Its not just the homework part but as she was assigning it she said something about how we are making her SUFFER so she will make US suffer! Um, excuse, WHAT!?
So the bell rings for school to end and as I'm walking down the hall all I want to do is cry, and die. It was such a horrible day. And still, I am having a horrible day. Mixed with good.
So I get on the bus, and Paul (he's the bus monitor/ bodyguard) hands me a little kids ring box (you know, the ones kids get for 50 cents....with the plastic rings in it or tattoos) I looked inside of it and I see Patrick (Spongebob's best friend) and I just think that was really nice of him :) This morning he noticed I wasnt wearing my Spongebob hat (Ive only worn it once, but when I did him and I had a conversation about our nieces and how they love Spongebob) So that put me into a good mood.
Well I kinda good mood because I still feel sad/depressed about the whole World Geography thing :/
I hate you! I don't like using that word but shit dude did you HAVE to be that HARD on me!? Don't you know I'm recovery from depression?
So I wake up today and I am yet again sooo tired, but then my stomach starts hurting and I just want to get sick, but I dont. So I get ready for school and leave. (I wore my tan pants since laundry needs to be done, but it hasnt yet) then when I get to 5th period (which is basically first period of the day) and my stomach starts yelling at me! I would say growling but I wasn't hungry (granted that I hadnt ate yet) Then in 6th period we are still doing our drawings, although we are learning to draw for this big project we are doing soon, its really boring. So I'm not even trying. Sorry to say that :/
So then in the beginning of lunch I ate my brownie I brought and then I went and got nachos. I just didn't want them. I had to stop eating them because I felt like I wanted to get sick again :(
Then I went to algebra. Usually I would have put a frown face, but I have an 87 in that class! See I know some of you are smart and have better grades then that, but considering I had a 77 last semester, I consider this REALLY good. :)
Then World Geography. This was when my day came to the crushing worst part (don't worry it wasn't that bad, it just hurt me a lot emotionally). The class wouldn't shut up, so Mrs.Winzeler was pissed about that, plus she is sick, plus we've been talking about The Cold War since school started and we should be past this already, and we arent. We REALLY are interested in the Cold War, but since she is leaving school for a week and three days she doesnt have enough time to cover all of our questions and she gets irritated easily, so we finally get on topic, and of course, off topic. Then some girl starts arguing with Mrs.Winzeler about drafted into war, and Mrs. Winzeler gets mad, then upset. She tells us how WE are taking HER away from her BABY girl. At first we was just mad they we are still talking about the Cold War but then she almost started crying talking about how her daughter just learned to say "uh-oh" and how to clap her hands. Then she said that all she wants to do tonight is go home and drop things, say "uh oh" and clap her hands with her daughter, instead of rearranging our schedule so we can finish the Cold War and what we are moving onto next within the next couple of weeks. Thankfully, class was almost over. But THEN, she tells us to get out a piece of paper and assigns us homework. WTF! Its not just the homework part but as she was assigning it she said something about how we are making her SUFFER so she will make US suffer! Um, excuse, WHAT!?
So the bell rings for school to end and as I'm walking down the hall all I want to do is cry, and die. It was such a horrible day. And still, I am having a horrible day. Mixed with good.
So I get on the bus, and Paul (he's the bus monitor/ bodyguard) hands me a little kids ring box (you know, the ones kids get for 50 cents....with the plastic rings in it or tattoos) I looked inside of it and I see Patrick (Spongebob's best friend) and I just think that was really nice of him :) This morning he noticed I wasnt wearing my Spongebob hat (Ive only worn it once, but when I did him and I had a conversation about our nieces and how they love Spongebob) So that put me into a good mood.
Well I kinda good mood because I still feel sad/depressed about the whole World Geography thing :/
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
1-12-11
Dear Wednesday,
Lets see, I woke up, went to school.
In bible class we didnt really do anything. We had to do this mapping thing, which sucked. I copied off of my friend Alex. :)
In video class we watched Sherlock, Jr. And Mitchel kept annoying the girl who sits next to him (and me, every time he would hit her chair) It was loud!
In English, we read. :)
In Biology we made a food web or some crap like that. I have a little crush on one guy in the classroom! :D
Then I was home at like 1:15pm and I was reeaaallllyyyyy bored lol
And that was pretty much my day.
:/
Lets see, I woke up, went to school.
In bible class we didnt really do anything. We had to do this mapping thing, which sucked. I copied off of my friend Alex. :)
In video class we watched Sherlock, Jr. And Mitchel kept annoying the girl who sits next to him (and me, every time he would hit her chair) It was loud!
In English, we read. :)
In Biology we made a food web or some crap like that. I have a little crush on one guy in the classroom! :D
Then I was home at like 1:15pm and I was reeaaallllyyyyy bored lol
And that was pretty much my day.
:/
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
1-11-11
Dear Tuesday,
I had a great day today :)
I was in class when the guy who sits next to sniffed me and at first I was like "What the hell!" but quickly it changed to "Do I smell!?" No, no I didnt. He said I smelled good :) That made my confidence level go WAY up. No one could get to me after that. None of the bullies I've had to deal with could get to me! It felt amazing to actually accept myself. Then, as I was working on my project a guy came up to me, touch my head and whispered, "Your so beautiful" and smiled. Of course, Im thinking the same thing most people would, WHAT!? Is he lying? I will never know, but it was the sweetest thing ever and I am still in a good mood from it :)
Tomorrow is an early release day so I'll be home at 1pm :)
Tomorrow I am also told to write love on my arm, so I will!
Coach Baldwin made me mad today. He always yells at us (algebra class) while he teaches. I cant learn like that. But Im gonna stay in his class because I'm tired of giving a damn when no one else does. Well, one person does, and she is being paid. My councilor, Martha. I told my mom that she had to talk to Coach Baldwin before I could get out of the class, of course she didnt. So I just give up on caring. Its like totally not worth the pain of me thinking my mom doesnt care about me. Im done with depression, I provoke it anyway. So, Im done, Im done, Im done, with provoking depression, sadness, and thoughts of suicide. Im just done! I understand Ill get upset in my life but it should never come to suicide. :)
World Geography is getting really good! We are talking about the Cold War, Hitler, World War 1 & 2, and its really interesting. Like seriously, no joke. I can't wait for Thursday, well scratch that, let it come at its normal pace because I dont want Wednesday to end. (getting out of school early is like a holiday around here)
Well please keep my friends in your prayers (if you pray). God knows which ones need his help right now.
Well everybody who is reading this, remember, don't give up on life. Life is suppose to be fun, free, magical, and happy. But YOU have to make it happen. If you cant make it happen by yourself, I'll help. I've been through a lot of stuff I don't talk about. With my experience with life, I sincerely think I can help you. (Unless of course your a terrorist who wants to kill me, see that just isnt cool with me.)
I had a great day today :)
I was in class when the guy who sits next to sniffed me and at first I was like "What the hell!" but quickly it changed to "Do I smell!?" No, no I didnt. He said I smelled good :) That made my confidence level go WAY up. No one could get to me after that. None of the bullies I've had to deal with could get to me! It felt amazing to actually accept myself. Then, as I was working on my project a guy came up to me, touch my head and whispered, "Your so beautiful" and smiled. Of course, Im thinking the same thing most people would, WHAT!? Is he lying? I will never know, but it was the sweetest thing ever and I am still in a good mood from it :)
Tomorrow is an early release day so I'll be home at 1pm :)
Tomorrow I am also told to write love on my arm, so I will!
Coach Baldwin made me mad today. He always yells at us (algebra class) while he teaches. I cant learn like that. But Im gonna stay in his class because I'm tired of giving a damn when no one else does. Well, one person does, and she is being paid. My councilor, Martha. I told my mom that she had to talk to Coach Baldwin before I could get out of the class, of course she didnt. So I just give up on caring. Its like totally not worth the pain of me thinking my mom doesnt care about me. Im done with depression, I provoke it anyway. So, Im done, Im done, Im done, with provoking depression, sadness, and thoughts of suicide. Im just done! I understand Ill get upset in my life but it should never come to suicide. :)
World Geography is getting really good! We are talking about the Cold War, Hitler, World War 1 & 2, and its really interesting. Like seriously, no joke. I can't wait for Thursday, well scratch that, let it come at its normal pace because I dont want Wednesday to end. (getting out of school early is like a holiday around here)
Well please keep my friends in your prayers (if you pray). God knows which ones need his help right now.
Well everybody who is reading this, remember, don't give up on life. Life is suppose to be fun, free, magical, and happy. But YOU have to make it happen. If you cant make it happen by yourself, I'll help. I've been through a lot of stuff I don't talk about. With my experience with life, I sincerely think I can help you. (Unless of course your a terrorist who wants to kill me, see that just isnt cool with me.)
Monday, January 10, 2011
Venting Note
Read my blog and you might understand me more. You claim your still my best friend but your just some girl I found off the street who happens to be on my facebook. You dont know me anymore. You think Im the same, innocent. Gosh, just grow up already. The world isnt all good. Things are bad, and they change. I changed. You changed. You told me that. So dont act like I cant. Because I did. Dont act like just because you got better and I got worse that my changing doesnt matter, because it does. Im through with people pretending Im not who I am when HELLO! See me here!? This is me! Im not going to change just because this isnt who you want me to be. Now, stop pissing me off saying I dont know anything. I didnt read a certain book so Im dumb, right? Wrong! You dont know anything anymore so stop pretending like you do just because once upon a time you did. You want to know who my best friends are now? Elizabeth, Hannah, and Emily. You broke me and made everything worse, why would I ever be close to you again? Your just like that boyfriend of yours who claims to be a good boy. I know something no one knows. ;) Something not even you know. Probably the only reason he still wants to be friends with that girl. Sure they didnt have sex, but what he did do isnt something he is about to admit. I was friends with her before I was friends with you or him. Now your pissing me off and I am writing this and we arent friends. And people are trying to tell me about a god I dont believe in and trying to change me "for the better". FUCK! Just stop trying to change me! Let me live, god damn it!
1-10-11
Dear Monday,
Well I did not want to wake up this morning. I was sooo tired. Last night I had a huge headache and couldnt fall asleep. I woke up at 8am and got ready so I could go see my councilor, Martha. I guess she could tell that I wasnt telling her something, although I had forgotten about it, but then I remembered so I told her about what Jacelin and I had wrote to each other. Now some people dont know who Jacelin is, so I will tell you, she is my ex-best friend. It hurts to say 'ex' because she was so close to me and I still love her like a sister but she just stopped talking to me. It hurt. Like extremely. And I'm fed up with trusting people and getting hurt. I told her from the beginning. I should have listened to myself and not of gotten close. But I did get close, and it ended up with me getting really depressed. Anyway, I guess I could have helped the situation but when someone doesnt really respond what are you suppose to say? I'm still here for her, though, I hope she knows that. Well then I went to school. I want to transfer. Im not even gonna ask my mom. She will say no. I know she will because she will have to take me to school and 1) we dont have gas money, or any money, really 2) we dont have a good running car and 3) its the second semester and its the worse time to get a transfer. It sucks that I'm stuck at a school where no one cares if Im there or not. Its just, no one understands that. And if they do, they dont care enough about me to try and help the whole stupid situation. Ugh, its so.........just like life.
Well I went to school, ate lunch, came home, then mostly just sat on the couch. Im not in a good mood, Im tired, and I just dont wanna be here right now. I hope this week ends quickly. Friday is the school talent show, $5 for a ticket, dont they know that I'm poor? That Im trying NOT to ask for money? That Im not even getting the yearbook I wanted so much because I just dont care anymore? That Im tired of hearing the words "we'll see" or "no"
Just a shout out: Thanks to Emily, Daniel, and Hannah.
True friends? I think yes! :)
Well I did not want to wake up this morning. I was sooo tired. Last night I had a huge headache and couldnt fall asleep. I woke up at 8am and got ready so I could go see my councilor, Martha. I guess she could tell that I wasnt telling her something, although I had forgotten about it, but then I remembered so I told her about what Jacelin and I had wrote to each other. Now some people dont know who Jacelin is, so I will tell you, she is my ex-best friend. It hurts to say 'ex' because she was so close to me and I still love her like a sister but she just stopped talking to me. It hurt. Like extremely. And I'm fed up with trusting people and getting hurt. I told her from the beginning. I should have listened to myself and not of gotten close. But I did get close, and it ended up with me getting really depressed. Anyway, I guess I could have helped the situation but when someone doesnt really respond what are you suppose to say? I'm still here for her, though, I hope she knows that. Well then I went to school. I want to transfer. Im not even gonna ask my mom. She will say no. I know she will because she will have to take me to school and 1) we dont have gas money, or any money, really 2) we dont have a good running car and 3) its the second semester and its the worse time to get a transfer. It sucks that I'm stuck at a school where no one cares if Im there or not. Its just, no one understands that. And if they do, they dont care enough about me to try and help the whole stupid situation. Ugh, its so.........just like life.
Well I went to school, ate lunch, came home, then mostly just sat on the couch. Im not in a good mood, Im tired, and I just dont wanna be here right now. I hope this week ends quickly. Friday is the school talent show, $5 for a ticket, dont they know that I'm poor? That Im trying NOT to ask for money? That Im not even getting the yearbook I wanted so much because I just dont care anymore? That Im tired of hearing the words "we'll see" or "no"
Just a shout out: Thanks to Emily, Daniel, and Hannah.
True friends? I think yes! :)
Friday, January 7, 2011
1-7-11
Dear Friday,
I'm depressed. The song Only One by Alex Band, is making me depressed. I keep chanting "tears, tears, tears, tears, tears," in my head. Im not meaning to, its just happening.
The whole thing with my doctor still makes me mad. But I guess since I survived it shows just how strong I am.
Im not sure why Ive been so depressed lately, i just cant seem to keep my mind on anything, and writing this is REALLY hard. I will try to tell you how my days have been, I just dont know.
Thursday I went back to school and not much happened. I havent done any of my homework, my teachers arent really mad but they will be soon if I dont clean up my act.
Im just trying to figure things out. I dont know how to describe it anymore then that. Im trying to figure myself out and its messing up with my thinking process and emotions.
Then today I woke up and got ready for school, went to school, in child development my group and I spent almost 45minutes thinking of a slogan for a non-skid mat. (My favorite one was "Don't kill your kid!" Because that would get their attentions [parents] but that was harsh so we went with something about ruba-dub-dub)
In 8th period we took a test, Nick helped me, of course, without knowing it lol
Then I started reading my book The Shack. Which in the beginning I thought was stupid but now I am really into it!
Then school ended. Woop. I hate school, but i hate my house. Life just sucks.
Well I'm not sure what anyone wants from me, where I am going with this, or if anyone cares that I am writing this, so until I find out some answers, I'm going to stop writing (soon) and go to sleep.
You might wander why I am starting a blog and the simple answer is: When I am gone, I want people to learn from me. Life moves on, with or without you. Life, doesnt care. If you die, the whole world isnt going to stop. Just about 10 people are going to be really upset for a couple of months, maybe a couple of years. But they will move on, just like you should have.
I'm depressed. The song Only One by Alex Band, is making me depressed. I keep chanting "tears, tears, tears, tears, tears," in my head. Im not meaning to, its just happening.
The whole thing with my doctor still makes me mad. But I guess since I survived it shows just how strong I am.
Im not sure why Ive been so depressed lately, i just cant seem to keep my mind on anything, and writing this is REALLY hard. I will try to tell you how my days have been, I just dont know.
Thursday I went back to school and not much happened. I havent done any of my homework, my teachers arent really mad but they will be soon if I dont clean up my act.
Im just trying to figure things out. I dont know how to describe it anymore then that. Im trying to figure myself out and its messing up with my thinking process and emotions.
Then today I woke up and got ready for school, went to school, in child development my group and I spent almost 45minutes thinking of a slogan for a non-skid mat. (My favorite one was "Don't kill your kid!" Because that would get their attentions [parents] but that was harsh so we went with something about ruba-dub-dub)
In 8th period we took a test, Nick helped me, of course, without knowing it lol
Then I started reading my book The Shack. Which in the beginning I thought was stupid but now I am really into it!
Then school ended. Woop. I hate school, but i hate my house. Life just sucks.
Well I'm not sure what anyone wants from me, where I am going with this, or if anyone cares that I am writing this, so until I find out some answers, I'm going to stop writing (soon) and go to sleep.
You might wander why I am starting a blog and the simple answer is: When I am gone, I want people to learn from me. Life moves on, with or without you. Life, doesnt care. If you die, the whole world isnt going to stop. Just about 10 people are going to be really upset for a couple of months, maybe a couple of years. But they will move on, just like you should have.
1-5-11
Dear Wednesday,
I love you!
Ok, so I wake up go to school. First period is my bible class :) Coach Welborn is still as awesome as he was last year! We mostly took notes but that was okay. Second period I have a new teacher, Saralee Stevens, its a video analyzing class, so all we will do is watch old movies. We are gonna watch people like Charlie Chaplin (idk if I spelled his name right) then third period was English with Mrs.Loafman. We are starting to read a story. Woop.
Then my mom came to pick me up (at 1:30pm) and we went to my doctors office (Dr.Robinson) and my appointment was at 2:30pm but my mom thought it was at 2pm, but I didnt mind getting out of class early lol So then I waited until 2:45pm just to get into the office so I could get weighed! Then a Texas Tech student started talking to me and I told him how my year went and what medicines Im allergic to and Ive tried and stuff like that. Then at the end I was like "So I've been feeling depressed lately since the last medicine I got here didnt work so I want to be put on different pills" So then he goes and talks to some resident, the resident then comes and talks to me, its already almost 4pm! And he basically repeats what I told the other dude. Which made me mad. Then they nodded and acted like I was a hamster they were experimenting with. It pissed me off! So the resident dude went away, the student came back. Told me to get my mom, and he'll go get my doctor! Ugh, finally! lol So then Dr.Robinson came in and told me the pills I was on before WASNT FOR DEPRESSION! ARHG! Like seriously? I could have killed myself because of your carelessness! I came in for depression a year ago! And Im back so NOW your actually going to put me on antidepressants? Oh, I mean, are they real this time!? So its almost 5pm when I finally get home, with my new prescription. My mom said I could go to church, so I got ready, and we headed off with the laundry so she could do it.
At church (Monterrey Baptist Church) Chris (my youth minister) started talking about sins and stuff and it made me think. I might be baptized but Im not all that interested in God. How do I know he's real? By faith? Just having faith something is there or something is going to go a certain way doesnt mean it is there or that something is gonna go a certain way. Am I suppose to believe the bible? Its just a supernatural story for grown-ups. My friend Hannah kinda hinted that she wouldnt be my friend if it werent that I understand kind of what she's been through. I know she is trying to become a better Christian, but that hurt. Lately Ive felt like she was a true friend. I guess I just dont know anymore.
So then church ends and my mom comes and picks me up. Then we went to pick up the rest of our laundry, and now I am about to go to sleep since I have school tomorrow. I wish school would end quicker, I could learn about God, I could see Bailey, and my depression would be over with.
I love you!
Ok, so I wake up go to school. First period is my bible class :) Coach Welborn is still as awesome as he was last year! We mostly took notes but that was okay. Second period I have a new teacher, Saralee Stevens, its a video analyzing class, so all we will do is watch old movies. We are gonna watch people like Charlie Chaplin (idk if I spelled his name right) then third period was English with Mrs.Loafman. We are starting to read a story. Woop.
Then my mom came to pick me up (at 1:30pm) and we went to my doctors office (Dr.Robinson) and my appointment was at 2:30pm but my mom thought it was at 2pm, but I didnt mind getting out of class early lol So then I waited until 2:45pm just to get into the office so I could get weighed! Then a Texas Tech student started talking to me and I told him how my year went and what medicines Im allergic to and Ive tried and stuff like that. Then at the end I was like "So I've been feeling depressed lately since the last medicine I got here didnt work so I want to be put on different pills" So then he goes and talks to some resident, the resident then comes and talks to me, its already almost 4pm! And he basically repeats what I told the other dude. Which made me mad. Then they nodded and acted like I was a hamster they were experimenting with. It pissed me off! So the resident dude went away, the student came back. Told me to get my mom, and he'll go get my doctor! Ugh, finally! lol So then Dr.Robinson came in and told me the pills I was on before WASNT FOR DEPRESSION! ARHG! Like seriously? I could have killed myself because of your carelessness! I came in for depression a year ago! And Im back so NOW your actually going to put me on antidepressants? Oh, I mean, are they real this time!? So its almost 5pm when I finally get home, with my new prescription. My mom said I could go to church, so I got ready, and we headed off with the laundry so she could do it.
At church (Monterrey Baptist Church) Chris (my youth minister) started talking about sins and stuff and it made me think. I might be baptized but Im not all that interested in God. How do I know he's real? By faith? Just having faith something is there or something is going to go a certain way doesnt mean it is there or that something is gonna go a certain way. Am I suppose to believe the bible? Its just a supernatural story for grown-ups. My friend Hannah kinda hinted that she wouldnt be my friend if it werent that I understand kind of what she's been through. I know she is trying to become a better Christian, but that hurt. Lately Ive felt like she was a true friend. I guess I just dont know anymore.
So then church ends and my mom comes and picks me up. Then we went to pick up the rest of our laundry, and now I am about to go to sleep since I have school tomorrow. I wish school would end quicker, I could learn about God, I could see Bailey, and my depression would be over with.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
1-6-11
Ok so yesterday Blogger didnt work, but I wrote my blog as a comment on Tuesday's blog.
So, Ive been through a lot today (emotionally) so Im not gonna write today, I'll write tomorrow.
If you pray, please pray.
-Sara's World.
So, Ive been through a lot today (emotionally) so Im not gonna write today, I'll write tomorrow.
If you pray, please pray.
-Sara's World.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
1.4.11
Dear Tuesday,
So I went back to school today. But I guess you already knew that since Ive been talking about it a lot. School wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. My first class (5th period) was child development. We are still on the subject of two and three year olds. I almost started crying. I miss Bailey soooo much. Then I had tech theater and I am still sitting next so Antrione. He is so annoying. He is either so hyper and noisy, he gets on my nerves, or he is so sleepy and doesnt do his work, and annoys me. And WHY am I sitting in the front? Im not a bad kid! I even got except from taking the final last month. But a good thing is that now my friend Kionu (or however you spell his name!) is now sitting next to me. He doesnt do his work either but at least he doesnt talk shit and say he's going to jump me after class. I wish people would stop talking and just DO it! Ha, Ill probably get my ass beat up, but I can respect that. Plus Antrione makes me feel so stupid. And Im not! Im really smart, well smart enough! lol Then I went to lunch but by then I was in a bad mood. I didnt eat much and just listened to my music. Then algebra. Algebra really isnt that bad, I just dont understand it, at all. I need to have my mom call my tutor so I can start seeing her again. We moved seats, so now I sit next to this Russian guy with a thick accent. And by the door, so if I ever want to walk out it wont bother the whole class :P lol Then I went to World Geography and Mrs.Winzeler's daughter is sleeping through the night lately so she is fed up with our crap and we wont get an easy ride anymore. So she says. But Im still sitting next to Nick so she doesnt have a clue. I dont understand that class either, so Nick always helps me. Or I cheat :P
When I got on the bus my new bus driver had his phone playing country music. He seems really nice, and like a newbie, but he reminds me of my dad. So does his body guard. I almost started crying (the second time today!) I also found out the guard is missing an ear........Its kinda disgusting but he tries to cover it up with a bandanna.
Well then I came home and I am so ready to actually relax. Hopefully tomorrow I can go to church! I wanna see my friends! Tomorrow I have bible class at school so if I dont go, I can still learn about God.
Tomorrow I go see my doctor, I bet she is going to put me on more medicine. Im okay with that, I just dont wanna be suicidal again. I need to stay strong!
So I went back to school today. But I guess you already knew that since Ive been talking about it a lot. School wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. My first class (5th period) was child development. We are still on the subject of two and three year olds. I almost started crying. I miss Bailey soooo much. Then I had tech theater and I am still sitting next so Antrione. He is so annoying. He is either so hyper and noisy, he gets on my nerves, or he is so sleepy and doesnt do his work, and annoys me. And WHY am I sitting in the front? Im not a bad kid! I even got except from taking the final last month. But a good thing is that now my friend Kionu (or however you spell his name!) is now sitting next to me. He doesnt do his work either but at least he doesnt talk shit and say he's going to jump me after class. I wish people would stop talking and just DO it! Ha, Ill probably get my ass beat up, but I can respect that. Plus Antrione makes me feel so stupid. And Im not! Im really smart, well smart enough! lol Then I went to lunch but by then I was in a bad mood. I didnt eat much and just listened to my music. Then algebra. Algebra really isnt that bad, I just dont understand it, at all. I need to have my mom call my tutor so I can start seeing her again. We moved seats, so now I sit next to this Russian guy with a thick accent. And by the door, so if I ever want to walk out it wont bother the whole class :P lol Then I went to World Geography and Mrs.Winzeler's daughter is sleeping through the night lately so she is fed up with our crap and we wont get an easy ride anymore. So she says. But Im still sitting next to Nick so she doesnt have a clue. I dont understand that class either, so Nick always helps me. Or I cheat :P
When I got on the bus my new bus driver had his phone playing country music. He seems really nice, and like a newbie, but he reminds me of my dad. So does his body guard. I almost started crying (the second time today!) I also found out the guard is missing an ear........Its kinda disgusting but he tries to cover it up with a bandanna.
Well then I came home and I am so ready to actually relax. Hopefully tomorrow I can go to church! I wanna see my friends! Tomorrow I have bible class at school so if I dont go, I can still learn about God.
Tomorrow I go see my doctor, I bet she is going to put me on more medicine. Im okay with that, I just dont wanna be suicidal again. I need to stay strong!
Monday, January 3, 2011
1.3.11 [3]
I cant sleep. I can here my neighbors and i can here the tv. My phone wont ring and will only vibrate so i had to turn on the alarm from my clock but ive never used it before so i dont know how this is gonna go. I keep fantasizing about whats going to happen tomorrow. None of it is good. I dont have a lot of friends to lean on at school and i feel so alone so i dont know whats going to happen anymore. I think im just gonna go with my gut from now on.
1-3-11 [2]
Dear Monday,
Your ending. I wont see you for another week. Well, all good things must come to an end, of course so better things can come! :)
I went to see Martha today and I was really hyper and calmed down by the visit. She made me realize things will be okay.
Plus I got my package Daniel sent me, finally :) It had a necklace, a bracelet, a watch (which I loooovvvvvveeeeee), a memory card, and CD's.
Im gonna send Daniel a letter, I feel bad that I havent sent him anything and he's already sent me two packages.
School is tomorrow. I still dont want to go. No one understands. I cant explain it to them. If I tell them and its not a good enough reason to get out then I just feel worse because now they have a piece of me, but of course it means if I dont tell them I dont have the chance of getting out. So I suffer. I think thats partly why Im depressed.
I keep hoping if I write the truth on here that Ill get more help, but I cant be all that honest because Im afraid people will get mad at me :/
Everything breaks my heart......Maybe I am crazy?
Ha, I wander if I should go to a mental hospital?
Ugh I wish life wasnt so complicated.
I go see my doctor on Wednesday, she will probably put me on pills. Im gonna die if she puts me on the same ones, they didnt work, and they made me suicidal. Martha doesnt understand that. I need to get out of my head. I need to get away from here. Learn a new life. A happy life, a calm life.
I need to be around people who support and love me. Not people who only worry about themselves, but I guess Im doing the same. I have enough love to go around, to bad I'm shy. To bad I was shunned all my life and now its paying its toll.
I will survive, I think.
Goodnight, Monday.
Your ending. I wont see you for another week. Well, all good things must come to an end, of course so better things can come! :)
I went to see Martha today and I was really hyper and calmed down by the visit. She made me realize things will be okay.
Plus I got my package Daniel sent me, finally :) It had a necklace, a bracelet, a watch (which I loooovvvvvveeeeee), a memory card, and CD's.
Im gonna send Daniel a letter, I feel bad that I havent sent him anything and he's already sent me two packages.
School is tomorrow. I still dont want to go. No one understands. I cant explain it to them. If I tell them and its not a good enough reason to get out then I just feel worse because now they have a piece of me, but of course it means if I dont tell them I dont have the chance of getting out. So I suffer. I think thats partly why Im depressed.
I keep hoping if I write the truth on here that Ill get more help, but I cant be all that honest because Im afraid people will get mad at me :/
Everything breaks my heart......Maybe I am crazy?
Ha, I wander if I should go to a mental hospital?
Ugh I wish life wasnt so complicated.
I go see my doctor on Wednesday, she will probably put me on pills. Im gonna die if she puts me on the same ones, they didnt work, and they made me suicidal. Martha doesnt understand that. I need to get out of my head. I need to get away from here. Learn a new life. A happy life, a calm life.
I need to be around people who support and love me. Not people who only worry about themselves, but I guess Im doing the same. I have enough love to go around, to bad I'm shy. To bad I was shunned all my life and now its paying its toll.
I will survive, I think.
Goodnight, Monday.
1-3-11
Dear Monday,
I'm about to take a shower then go to the post office to get my 'parcel' that Daniel sent me. Then of course, since its Monday, I'm gonna go see Martha, my councilor. Life seems like its at a stand still in my house, but outside it seems like life is moving on, in fast forward. I wish my house was like that. Just keep moving. Just keep going, just keep going, just keep going :P Anyway I am so glad Monday is here so I can talk to Martha. Just school is tomorrow, I wander how long its going to be this time till I mess up again. Ugh I need to go see the dentist and start tutoring again. I dont want to go to the dentist because I keep thinking about prison. I dont know why but its funny. Tutoring is soooo boring. I wish failing didnt have any consequences. But it does, so I have to pass. Which sucks.
I am in a bad mood. I am questioning everything and anyone who wants to say or do something, like why didnt you do that or why would you say that or why cant you just do it yourself? People want other people to do everything for them and this is where I say NO. No I will not do anything for anyone because I know everyone else is to selfish to do anything for me. But thats just me rambling, and it is rambling, because when you ramble no one listens and I feel like no one is listening, except for the day of the week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and so on. Only they are listening. For now, people will start listening soon. I have a lot to say and I will get it out and I will make people listen. I have too.
I'm about to take a shower then go to the post office to get my 'parcel' that Daniel sent me. Then of course, since its Monday, I'm gonna go see Martha, my councilor. Life seems like its at a stand still in my house, but outside it seems like life is moving on, in fast forward. I wish my house was like that. Just keep moving. Just keep going, just keep going, just keep going :P Anyway I am so glad Monday is here so I can talk to Martha. Just school is tomorrow, I wander how long its going to be this time till I mess up again. Ugh I need to go see the dentist and start tutoring again. I dont want to go to the dentist because I keep thinking about prison. I dont know why but its funny. Tutoring is soooo boring. I wish failing didnt have any consequences. But it does, so I have to pass. Which sucks.
I am in a bad mood. I am questioning everything and anyone who wants to say or do something, like why didnt you do that or why would you say that or why cant you just do it yourself? People want other people to do everything for them and this is where I say NO. No I will not do anything for anyone because I know everyone else is to selfish to do anything for me. But thats just me rambling, and it is rambling, because when you ramble no one listens and I feel like no one is listening, except for the day of the week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and so on. Only they are listening. For now, people will start listening soon. I have a lot to say and I will get it out and I will make people listen. I have too.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
1-2-11 [2]
Dear Sunday,
Well the day is almost over. I was having a good day. But now I have a killer headache and I just want today to end. And people to stop talking crap about each other. People are so stupid, they cant think correctly because they let there hearts do the talking instead of their brains. I mean really? Just think things through! Its not hard! Nobody is THAT stupid. Well I have high hopes for this year. Well my mom has $15 dollars sitting in front of me...lol I should take it and walk to Starbucks :P
Well the day is almost over. I was having a good day. But now I have a killer headache and I just want today to end. And people to stop talking crap about each other. People are so stupid, they cant think correctly because they let there hearts do the talking instead of their brains. I mean really? Just think things through! Its not hard! Nobody is THAT stupid. Well I have high hopes for this year. Well my mom has $15 dollars sitting in front of me...lol I should take it and walk to Starbucks :P
1-2-11
Dear Sunday,
School starts soon. Actually, in two days. I don't want to go back. I think I have social problems. Ok, ok, I know I do. But that's not a good enough reason to be home schooled online. Plus it cost money, which I don't have any of. There is so many problems with the world, I hate it. Actually at this moment I hate everything and everyone in life but lets not go there. See Im not suppose to talk about whats bothering me, but if I dont Im gonna go crazy. And if I go crazy people are going to take my depression and make it seem like I'm unfit to be around people. People always ask me if I'm going to hurt other people. It makes me so mad. I love people (well...lol) I will never hurt people, not on purpose anyway. But I dont think councilors and doctors understand that. They just want money, I think. I did want to become a councilor once upon a time but now I want to be a head start teacher. Anyway back on track, I will never hurt someone just because Im not in a good mood. If I do hurt anyone then it would be myself. Dear Sunday, do you care about what I have to say? I dont think anybody does. Well Im not going to just give up because my life was taken away, Im gonna prove that I am fit to be around people. I have to.
School starts soon. Actually, in two days. I don't want to go back. I think I have social problems. Ok, ok, I know I do. But that's not a good enough reason to be home schooled online. Plus it cost money, which I don't have any of. There is so many problems with the world, I hate it. Actually at this moment I hate everything and everyone in life but lets not go there. See Im not suppose to talk about whats bothering me, but if I dont Im gonna go crazy. And if I go crazy people are going to take my depression and make it seem like I'm unfit to be around people. People always ask me if I'm going to hurt other people. It makes me so mad. I love people (well...lol) I will never hurt people, not on purpose anyway. But I dont think councilors and doctors understand that. They just want money, I think. I did want to become a councilor once upon a time but now I want to be a head start teacher. Anyway back on track, I will never hurt someone just because Im not in a good mood. If I do hurt anyone then it would be myself. Dear Sunday, do you care about what I have to say? I dont think anybody does. Well Im not going to just give up because my life was taken away, Im gonna prove that I am fit to be around people. I have to.
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