Friday, December 30, 2011

My Way Of Making Up For Not Writing In A Long Time:

[Ok so I know I haven't written a post in a VERY long time and to make up for that I'm gonna post a story I've been working on. If you don't like to read about sexual stuff then do NOT read this story. And if I find my story being used anywhere else then the proper actions are going to happen so they will be brought down. Do NOT copy my stuff!!! With that said I present to you The Girl by Sara Nichole Burton (aka, me)]





I stood there. I probably looked out of place and dumb. I don't care though. I don't want to do this. Just because Daddy is forcing me into selling my body doesn't mean I should! But I can't tell him no because then he will beat me. I can't run away either because they, my parents, would eventually find me. This is my first night to sell my body. I am so nervous! What if I mess up and the 'customer' wants their money back!? Daddy will for sure beat me!! I don't think my father even cares that I could get a disease from these pigs. Nasty old men! My name is Sandra James and I am a freshmen in high school. My father wants me to quit school though, so I have too. I guess I'll be a dirty, disease holding, prostitute my whole life.
 “Hey sweetheart, you looking for a good time?” ask a man who looks around 37 years old.
“S-sure,” I say putting on my sexiest smile. He bought it. Now he is holding the back of my neck making sure I don’t run away while he go finds a quiet place in an alley so I can give him what he pays for.
We got to the into the alley and went behind a dumpster, trashy, I know. The man then handed me a $100. That must mean that he knew Daddy and knew Daddy's prices. I know what he wants because Daddy use to make me practice on him. We would go through different scenarios and then Daddy and I would perform them. Sometimes Daddy would force my mother to participate with us. I know more then a few ways to please a man or women, lets just leave it at that.
One thing I hate about this job is that the ‘customer’ gets to choose if he wants to wear a condom or not. This guy did not.
I got down on my hands and knees and unbuckled the man's belt. Then I slowly, and sensually, pulled down his dark blue jeans, and finally I started to peal off his underwear. His mini-me sprang out as soon as I lowered his underwear down. When I got his underwear to his ankles I looked back up to him to make sure he still wanted me to do this. He did, but I did not. I then did to the man what I had done to my father a million times before.

I grabbed the man's penis and started rubbing my hands up and down his full length. The man was bigger then my father, but I'll never admit that to him. The stranger then let out a hissing noise and I could tell he was holding back a moan. "Oh no," I thought, "let me here you moan for more." So them I flicked my tongue out and swirled it around his tip. I swallowed his pre-cum and then started licking his mini-me all over. I could tell he was starting to get anxious for more but I kept teasing him.

The man then grabbed me by my long wavy brown hair and pinned me up against the building that we were next to and he crushed his mouth to mine. "Eww," I thought, "you're tasting yourself..."

But then I realized, Daddy has never kissed me like this. Suddenly the strangers hands were all over me, cupping my tiny breast or pinching my ass. I groaned out of confusion, broke the kiss, and tried to move away from the stranger but he took one of his hands and wrapped it around my head. Then he forcefully moved my lips back to his. He quickly dominated the kiss. The stranger moaned and then deepened the kiss. He stuck his tongue in my mouth and started tracing my teeth and just all out exploring my mouth. Even though I was nervous I was in complete bliss.

The stranger, who I decided to call Uno, let his hand fall from my head and then his hand trailed my body until he got to my black leather skirt. He then widened my legs, while still kissing me skillfully, and forcefully pushed his hand inside of me. I was wearing a thong but he quickly tore them off of me before he started fisting me.

Uno kept moaning and fisting me but when I remembered that I was just a whore and he was just my customer, I blanked. I became emotionless. My movements became mechanical. Uno then took his fist out of me and lifted me up. I quickly wrapped my legs around his waist like I was taught to do. Suddenly the stranger stopped kissing me and grabbed his penis to stick in me. I let out something between a gasp and moan. Uno's penis was a lot larger then Daddy's, and it hurt. The stranger's penis was hurting me. I could feel something wet dripping from me. I knew it wasn't cum, so what was it? Even though Daddy and I had sex I might as well still have been a virgin because well, he was very small, and because he never explained things to me.

Uno tighten up against me and then he suddenly cummed in me. Without a condom on. Cum started dripping down Uno's penis and once he realized that he took his cock out of my pussy and instantly dropped me. I quickly fell to the ground, my legs feeling like jelly. The stranger then stuck his penis in my face getting cum in my hair. I grabbed his penis so he would stop flinging it at me and I started to lick all the cum off of him. I went to spit the cum out but he stopped me.

"Swallow it, darling. Swallow it like the fucking whore you are," demanded the rough voice that belonged to Uno. I quickly swallowed the cum and then gave the man another blowjob.

When I was done he pulled up his underwear and pants and then buckled his belt. Then his lips quickly and forcefully found mine. My mind was in overdrive and I was loosing my mechanical movements. I was enjoying the kiss more then I should be.

When I finally came to my senses I pushed his chest and he stepped back to look at me. He had murder, or at least hatred, in his eyes. The stranger punched me.

"Don't ever fucking push me away, whore!" he yelled at me in a whisper.

"You owe me more money!" I whispered back with tears running down my face.

He looked at me like I had grown another head and then he started punching me repeatedly. I knew I was going to bruise. Daddy use to punch me like this when I didn't do something correctly. I covered my face hoping I'd still be able to work tomorrow, that way I didn't get beat... for being beaten. If I didn't work tomorrow then my mother would have to and Daddy didnt like sharing Mommy with other men anymore.

The stranger finally got done hitting me. He took out his wallet and threw a wad of cash at me and then ran off. I stayed where I was at. I couldn’t move much, but with the little bit of energy I had left I pulled my skirt down since Uno pulled it up while pushing in his monstrous penis in me.

I was crying silent tears and then I fell asleep in the alley that night.

-----------------------------------6 Years Later----------------------------------

Today is my first day of my senior year of high school. I took a couple years off so I could prostitute and now I’m back. Daddy said that as long as I give him money every night then he doesn’t give a fuck about what I do. That’s okay with me, you know, that he doesn’t give a shit.
I just woke up. I'm not use to waking up so early anymore! I got into the shower and wash myself off, I spent extra time on my downstairs since, you know, its my prized possession. The only thing that will help me get money. Guys will get tired of blowjobs eventually, no matter how good they are. And trust me, I’ve never had any complaints.
I got out of the shower to find my daddy brushing his teeth. This would be an okay thing, but he only does this when he wants something.
“Good morning, Daddy,” I say politely and smile at him.
“Morning, baby girl. Lookin’ good,” he said and basically eye rapes me.
“Can I help you? I have to get ready for school. I can still go, can’t I?” I say in a calm voice, but deep down I am freaking out. I really need to get out of this house and away from him. For six years now I’ve been his little slave and I’m done! I’m tired of having to see and lie to his ugly ass anymore!
“Yes, there is something I need,” and then he crashed his mouth to mine. He usually doesn’t kiss me, but I prefer the kisses to anything else. Thankfully this time he brushed his teeth first. It makes me want to gag less. Then he starts groping my ass, okay what is with him this morning? Usually its straight to the sex.
“Baby, I figured since you will be at school, I would get you a few clients there that way you can keep making me money. You’re okay with that, right?” he asked gently but when I looked in his eyes I could tell he wasn’t asking. I saw that if I said no then he would beat me until I ended up in the hospital again. I knew what I had to say even before I could complete the thought, if that makes sense.
“Yes, Daddy, that’s fine,” I say even though deep down I was hoping I’d be able to stop selling my body for a couple of hours a day! But I cant keep getting beat. The doctors said I may not be able to bounce back like I usually did if I keep getting cracked ribs or broken bones.
“Okay good!” he exclaims, and then takes off his pants and underwear. He then shoves his penis inside me while he lifts me onto the bathroom counter. I quickly wrap my legs around his waist and then he starts thrusting in and out and I claim his mouth to mine so I don’t moan out loud.
Soon after he cummed inside me and then wipes himself off he then got on his knees and shoved his face into my pussy. He licked up his cum and then stood back up to me and kissed me with the cum in his mouth. He gave me his cum and made me swallow it. It was salty and nasty, just like him. Then he went back on his knees and kept licking my pussy. Once he was done with that he picked me up off the counter and turned me so my tummy was on the counter and my bottom was facing him, right up against his penis. He opened the closest drawer to him that was filled with condoms and quickly grabbed one and tore the seal on it.
Once it was on him his lips found mine and without any preparation stuck his penis into me. I gasped out loud and damn did it hurt like a motherfucker! I swear he had something out for me. Daddy then started pushing himself more into me. He kept getting harder and harder and I could barely breath. How did he manage to do this to me, to himself!? Daddy would pull out and then quickly shove himself back into me. His hairs were starting to tickle me but I barely took notice because I was moaning and screaming and could barely think. I couldn’t think properly, I tried thinking, tried placing things together. I tried to think of what I was suppose to be doing but everything was hazy. Suddenly Daddy pulled out of me, cleaned himself off again, turned me around and gave me a quick possessive kiss, and then left the bathroom like nothing happened.
I clean myself off again and then went into my room. I put on a bright red thong and matching bra. Then I put on purple skinny jeans and an Eminem shirt that I got at a concert. Next was my leather high heals, dark eye liner, and red lipstick. I was now ready for my first day of school in years.
I went downstairs to see my father reading the paper, total cliche. My mother was, um, entertaining a client in the guest bedroom. Of course it was a female guest though.
“Hello, darling. So I have three clients for you today. And of course then there are your nightly customers, too,” Daddy says to me as soon as he notices me.
“Okay, Daddy. Where am I suppose to go? Their cars?” I ask. I know this may sound bad, but I was a professional. I have been around and now I know what to ask so I can be prepared.
“Fuck Sandra, I don’t know! They are your clients, do whatever the hell they want, where they want, as long as you get the money!” he yells. Then he grabs my face with one hand and with his other he slaps me. I don’t even tear up, I am so use to it. He looks at me after that and it looks like he is thinking about something. Then he moves me away from the window in the dining room and hungrily kisses me. Good thing I’m wearing pants, otherwise he would be all over me again!
After a while of the make out session we can hear my mother coming back with her client so we part ways. My mother walks in and gives my father a kiss and puts the money in his pants pocket. The client looks at me and has a fifty dollar bill in her hands, looking at me expectant. She was still in her robe and so was my mother. Was she one of my three clients today?
“Can I help you?” I ask sweetly. Daddy would beat me if I was anything else.
“Come with me to the bedroom,” replies the women and starts walking back upstairs. I follow her, but then notice my mother is following, too. This is a first.
We get into the bedroom and the women immediately takes off her robe and so does my mother.
“So what are you paying for?” I ask. I’m already dressed and don’t really want to fuck her right now.
“Oh, I want you to watch for a little while, and then once a week I will become your new client,” replied the women. What was she, 40 years old!? Eh, whatever, I’ve had a 70 year old man before so this lady is nothing compared to his old wrinkly penis.
“Aight,” I replied and sat down on the only chair in the room.
“I’ll pay you two extra if you’ll make out in front of me..” the women looks at me and then my mother while she bites her lip. Aw, that’s cute, she thinks that’s gonna work on me? Nope. But because of the extra money my mother and I will do it. Its definitely not the worse thing we’ve done to each other.
My mother comes up to me and crushes her mouth to mine. I wrap my arms around her neck and pull her closer. She moans in the very back of her throat and she starts groping me. Mommy taste like whip cream and cherries. Yum. Her tongue starts to massage mine and she tries to unbutton my pants but I don’t let her. “Oh no, Mommy dearest, you cant have your baby girl today,” I think sexually. I gently stand up taking my mother with me and I lay her on the bedroom floor. Since she is already naked it makes access to her even easier and I start licking her pussy out. After 10 minutes Mommy starts bucking while breathing hard, I feel her tensing up. I know that means she’s about to cum so I quickly go back up to her and claim her lips to mine.

We make out for a couple more minutes until I notice the stranger jacking off with a vibrator. I pull my mother away and lick her lips teasingly and then I go up to the women and grab the vibrator from her and then I crush my lips to her. I put my hand in her vagina and start messaging her. Not that long later she cums so I lick my fingers sensually, and then her vibrator. After that I get off of her and wink. I hand the huge purple vibrator to my mother and smirk at her. She looks a little dazed.
I look at the clock and notice I only have 20 minutes left until school starts so I hurry up and wash my hands and fix my make up and then I leave the house. The school is 15 minutes away so I needed to hurry. It wouldn’t be good if I was late for my first day of school. I jump into my red Mustang GT and speed off down the road.

--------------------------------------5 or so hours later---------------------------
“SANDRA JAMES TO ROOM 519, PLEASE,” screeched a boy over the intercom system.
“Sandra, you may leave early. Please make sure to get your papers signed,” Ms. Barnett sighs. How can someone sigh and talk at the same time? I don’t know, but she could do it.
“Yes mam,” I reply politely. Why was I being sent to room 519? I thought that room was abandoned. Teens liked to hang out in there to drink, smoke, or have sex. Ohh…
I walk into the room and notice three boys huddled together talking excitedly together. Were they talking about me?
“Hello, boys,” I say in my sexiest voice. They all whip around and stare at me. Did I grow a head? I know I’m pretty, but I don’t look that good!
“She’s beautiful,” I heard the youngest one whisper to his friends. They all nodded in agreement.
“Is this your first rodeo, boys?” I ask, slightly joking. I don’t need a couple of virgins on my hands.
“Girl please, I can have anyone I want!” the oldest, and cutest, boy replied. He looked my age.
“If you can have anyone you want, then why are you paying for it babe?” I asked and the other two boys busted out laughing.
“Shut the fuck up and do your deed then leave, whore.” Then he stood up and started taking off his pants. The other two guys got up and left, shutting the door behind them, probably standing guard.
The guy made sure that the others were out of the room and then he rushed up to me and at first I thought he was going to hit me so a shrank back but then he kissed me. Nothing new right? But his kiss was so tender. I’ve never been kissed like this before! It kinda felt like it was full of…. Love. What the hell!?
“You really are beautiful. Why do you do this?” he asked.
“I don’t do it because I want to, trust me,” I replied.
“Oh,” he replied, thinking. Then he looked at me, expectant. So much for thinking he was different…
His pants were already unbuckled so I went and took off my pants and my shirt. I left my heals on. If I could say so myself without sounding conceited, I looked pretty hot in just my red bra, red panties, and my black heals. I guess I grew confident over the 6 years of prostituting.

I walked back up to him and asked, "Are you ready? Cause once we do this you can't turn back, and I won't let you."

"I'm ready," he replied, "Please, please just take me now!"

I giggled but set to work. He really was ready and I could tell by the growing bulge under his underwear. I looked up at him making my eyelashes flutter and give him an innocent look and then I wrapped both of my arms around his head and pushed his lips to mine. As soon as his lips touched mine I greedily kissed him and fought him over domination, but he gave in like a good little boy. Wait, what the hell am I thinking!?

He and I simultaneously moaned and his hands went to grope my ass. When he didnt let go I pushed him back. I did not like this routine where guys wanted my legs wrapped around them. Like seriously, what the fuck, boys!?

He looked at me with sad and confused eyes. Wait, why sad!? I didn't want him sad! So I quickly went up to him and put both my hands on his sexy chest and pushed him backwards until his back hit the wall behind us and then my lips once again greedily found his. Not even 10 seconds later he started moaning and I smirked.

Within minutes he had me on my hands and knees sucking his dick. Well he didn't exactly force me to do it. I just wanted to be closer to him... to be pleasuring him. To hear him moan. Aww, damn, I should have told him my name. Then he could be moaning my name and just wow, that would be so damn hot. Wait!! What the fuck am I thinking!? I shouldn't be thinking about some guy I met like that! I should just be giving him and his buddies my body so I can get paid and then go back to class.

"Be a good little slut, Sandra," I kept chanting to myself in my head. Wow, I was giving a guy 'head' and I was chanting to myself in my head. God, I'm so stupid.

After about 20 more minutes of  giving the guy head he cummed. I tried to swallow it all like a good little whore but there was just to much. I looked up at him and he looked confused, shocked, devastated, and above everything else he just looked dazed which put a Mono Lisa smile on my face. Quickly though he came back to the real world and started cumming down my breast and a little squirted in my hair. Damn, I guess even if I finish with all three of them before school ends I wont be able to go back to class.

"Bad, Sandra," I started cussing myself out, "you deserve a spanking... by this mystery man in front of me hehe."

"HEY YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE!" yelled one of the boys before the door opened exposing a very pissed off girl. I quickly stood up and hid behind my sexy mystery man while the other two guys quickly closed the door and then stood in front of the girl. My mystery man wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer.

"What do you want, Ray-lynn?" asked my mystery man.

"Her," Ray-lynn replied looking at me like I was literally edible. There was no denying that look on her face so I unwrapped my mystery mans arms and sexily walked towards her. I could barely make out that both of the boys were basically eye raping my body because my eyes were all on the Goddess in front of me. She didn't look like a high school slut. She just looked perfect. As soon as I walked in front of her I kissed her hungrily and cupped her face with my hands. She responded quickly and took dominance. I didn't mind though, I just wanted her. Once she got the dominance she wanted she pushed me back for a while until my legs hit something soft. A couch I think. I went to sit down, never taking my lips off of Ray-lynn's.

Once we were on the couch Ray-lynn made me lay back and then she started messaging and kissing me everywhere, making her way down to my pussy. Once she got close to it she started licking me. Oh my god, I felt like I was in Heaven! Then her tongue swirled around my clit and my hips bucked up. Oh my gosh, how can one little tongue make me feel like this!?

"Guys, get out. Go watch the fucking door," hissed my mystery man behind me. I heard some grumbling but then heard the click of the door. I wasn't really paying attention because Ray-lynn was starting to take off her clothes. I think she had a D-cup!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Music I want on a CD

1. Dr.Dre - I Need a Docto                       r FT. Eminem
2. Skillet- Looking for Angels
3. Skillet- Awake and Alive
4. KJ-52- Fanmail
5. Superchick- Crawl
6. Superchick- Stand in the Rain
7. Third Day- Tunnel
8. Superchick- Hero
9. Enigma- Out from the Deep
10. Good Charlotte- Hold On
11. Enigma- Return to Innocence
12. Big Time Rush- Boyfriend
13. Sara Evans- A Little Bit Stronger
14. Crystal Bowersox - Farmer's Daughter
15. My Chemical Romance- Na Na Na
16. Skillet- Hero
17. Fireflight- Unbreakable
18. Eminem - Bully
19. Buckcherry - Crazy Bitch
20. Terence Jay - One Blood
21.Plumb - Cut
22. The Band Perry- If I Die Young
23. Matthew West- Broken Girl
24. Anne Marie Boskovich- Everything Is Beautiful
25. Addison Road- Hope Now
26. Francesca Battistelli- Free To Be Me
27. The Funeral - Band Of Horses
28. Tinie Tempah- Written In The Stars
29. Alex Band- Only One
30. Skillet- Would It Matter
31. The Warren Brothers- Dear Mr. God
32. Halestorm - I bleed
33. Write This Down -  Alarm the Alarm
34. Futatsu No Kodo To Akai Tsumi - On/Off
35. Gone - Montgomery Gentry
36. Fucking Perfect- Pink
37. I refuse - Josh Wilson
38. Closer- Sharn McDonald

Saturday, January 29, 2011

1-29-11

Dear Saturday,

I havent wrote in over a week. I just haven't felt like it. I started my new medicine, but you knew that, and for a while it went good. I still get crabby a lot and irritated but I guess that's just normal for me. Not much as changed. Sorry. Maybe Ill write more sometime soon but really, I only want to write 52 post before the year ends....That's it.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

1-19-11

Dear Wednesday,

It was one year ago around this time that we got rid of my dog Charlie. I miss him so much and could really use him during all of this. He use to be my best friend. Maybe thats why i want another dog....maybe thats also why i wont get close to a dog. I still cry over missing Charlie. Anyway, ive been out of it lately. Trying to ignore my feelings. I dont want to do anything except listen to the same music over and over. I dont wanna talk i dont wanna breath i dont wanna be me, i just want the world to pause for a minute. I need to think a lot of stuff through. Today i go see my councilor, which is really good, but i still dont want to go to school. I wish there was a way i could just stay home.... The new pills ive been taking have made my stomach hurt at random times but im not gonna tell anyone. They are suppose to work mentally so thats all i care about. Your probably thinking why i havent gotten to the point of this yet and to be truthful i dont know if you should know whats going on.

Part Two:

I saw Martha. She thinks my medicine is working. Yeah, okay. But I was able to get everything off my chest and she gave me some advice. And honestly, I feel better, but I feel the same.

So Tuesday my brother went to court to try to get custody of his daughter, he didnt, but he gets to see her every other weekend. (: And over the weekend my brother James and I got into an argument.....It didnt end well......For me.

But no matter what I just need to get over the past (which is exactly what it is). Okay, okay, that's what I say whenever I'm really hurt emotionally or mentally but I dont know, why should I keep this over my head? Plus all bruises are healing so I guess that's good.

Friday, January 14, 2011

A Heads Up

Dear Friday,

Dear blog reader of mine, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I won't be doing another blog until Wednesday.


Of course I don't do them on weekends, and I don't have school on Monday, and  Tuesday is gonna be a long day.


Details on Wednesday. 


Be praying! :)

Thursday, January 13, 2011

1-13-11

Dear Thursday,

I hate you! I don't like using that word but shit dude did you HAVE to be that HARD on me!? Don't you know I'm recovery from depression? 


So I wake up today and I am yet again sooo tired, but then my stomach starts hurting and I just want to get sick, but I dont. So I get ready for school and leave. (I wore my tan pants since laundry needs to be done, but it hasnt yet) then when I get to 5th period (which is basically first period of the day) and my stomach starts yelling at me! I would say growling but I wasn't hungry (granted that I hadnt ate yet) Then in 6th period we are still doing our drawings, although we are learning to draw for this big project we are doing soon, its really boring. So I'm not even trying. Sorry to say that :/


So then in the beginning of lunch I ate my brownie I brought and then I went and got nachos. I just didn't want them. I had to stop eating them because I felt like I wanted to get sick again :(


Then I went to algebra. Usually I would have put a frown face, but I have an 87 in that class! See I know some of you are smart and have better grades then that, but considering I had a 77 last semester, I consider this REALLY good. :)


Then World Geography. This was when my day came to the crushing worst part (don't worry it wasn't that bad, it just hurt me a lot emotionally). The class wouldn't shut up, so Mrs.Winzeler was pissed about that, plus she is sick, plus we've been talking about The Cold War since school started and we should be past this already, and we arent. We REALLY are interested in the Cold War, but since she is leaving school for a week and three days she doesnt have enough time to cover all of our questions and she gets irritated easily, so we finally get on topic, and of course, off topic. Then some girl starts arguing with Mrs.Winzeler about drafted into war, and Mrs. Winzeler gets mad, then upset. She tells us how WE are taking HER away from her BABY girl. At first we was just mad they we are still talking about the Cold War but then she almost started crying talking about how her daughter just learned to say "uh-oh" and how to clap her hands. Then she said that all she wants to do tonight is go home and drop things, say "uh oh" and clap her hands with her daughter, instead of rearranging our schedule so we can finish the Cold War and what we are moving onto next within the next couple of weeks. Thankfully, class was almost over. But THEN, she tells us to get out a piece of paper and assigns us homework. WTF! Its not just the homework part but as she was assigning it she said something about how we are making her SUFFER so she will make US suffer! Um, excuse, WHAT!?


So the bell rings for school to end and as I'm walking down the hall all I want to do is cry, and die. It was such a horrible day. And still, I am having a horrible day. Mixed with good.


So I get on the bus, and Paul (he's the bus monitor/ bodyguard) hands me a little kids ring box (you know, the ones kids get for 50 cents....with the plastic rings in it or tattoos) I looked inside of it and I see Patrick (Spongebob's best friend) and I just think that was really nice of him :) This morning he noticed I wasnt wearing my Spongebob hat (Ive only worn it once, but when I did him and I had a conversation about our nieces and how they love Spongebob) So that put me into a good mood. 


Well I kinda good mood because I still feel sad/depressed about the whole World Geography thing :/

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

1-12-11

Dear Wednesday,

Lets see, I woke up, went to school.


In bible class we didnt really do anything. We had to do this mapping thing, which sucked. I copied off of my friend Alex. :)
In video class we watched Sherlock, Jr. And Mitchel kept annoying the girl who sits next to him (and me, every time he would hit her chair) It was loud! 
In English, we read. :)
In Biology we made a food web or some crap like that. I have a little crush on one guy in the classroom! :D


Then I was home at like 1:15pm and I was reeaaallllyyyyy bored lol


And that was pretty much my day.


:/

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

1-11-11

Dear Tuesday,

I had a great day today :)


I was in class when the guy who sits next to sniffed me and at first I was like "What the hell!" but quickly it changed to "Do I smell!?" No, no I didnt. He said I smelled good :) That made my confidence level go WAY up. No one could get to me after that. None of the bullies I've had to deal with could get to me! It felt amazing to actually accept myself. Then, as I was working on my project a guy came up to me, touch my head and whispered, "Your so beautiful" and smiled. Of course, Im thinking the same thing most people would, WHAT!? Is he lying? I will never know, but it was the sweetest thing ever and I am still in a good mood from it :)


Tomorrow is an early release day so I'll be home at 1pm :)
Tomorrow I am also told to write love on my arm, so I will!


Coach Baldwin made me mad today. He always yells at us (algebra class) while he teaches. I cant learn like that. But Im gonna stay in his class because I'm tired of giving a damn when no one else does. Well, one person does, and she is being paid. My councilor, Martha. I told my mom that she had to talk to Coach Baldwin before I could get out of the class, of course she didnt. So I just give up on caring. Its like totally not worth the pain of me thinking my mom doesnt care about me. Im done with depression, I provoke it anyway. So, Im done, Im done, Im done, with provoking depression, sadness, and thoughts of suicide. Im just done! I understand Ill get upset in my life but it should never come to suicide. :)


World Geography is getting really good! We are talking about the Cold War, Hitler, World War 1 & 2, and its really interesting. Like seriously, no joke. I can't wait for Thursday, well scratch that, let it come at its normal pace because I dont want Wednesday to end. (getting out of school early is like a holiday around here) 


Well please keep my friends in your prayers (if you pray). God knows which ones need his help right now. 


Well everybody who is reading this, remember, don't give up on life. Life is suppose to be fun, free, magical, and happy. But YOU have to make it happen. If you cant make it happen by yourself, I'll help. I've been through a lot of stuff I don't talk about. With my experience with life, I sincerely think I can help you. (Unless of course your a terrorist who wants to kill me, see that just isnt cool with me.)

Monday, January 10, 2011

Venting Note

Read my blog and you might understand me more. You claim your still my best friend but your just some girl I found off the street who happens to be on my facebook. You dont know me anymore. You think Im the same, innocent. Gosh, just grow up already. The world isnt all good. Things are bad, and they change. I changed. You changed. You told me that. So dont act like I cant. Because I did. Dont act like just because you got better and I got worse that my changing doesnt matter, because it does. Im through with people pretending Im not who I am when HELLO! See me here!? This is me! Im not going to change just because this isnt who you want me to be. Now, stop pissing me off saying I dont know anything. I didnt read a certain book so Im dumb, right? Wrong! You dont know anything anymore so stop pretending like you do just because once upon a time you did. You want to know who my best friends are now? Elizabeth, Hannah, and Emily. You broke me and made everything worse, why would I ever be close to you again? Your just like that boyfriend of yours who claims to be a good boy. I know something no one knows. ;) Something not even you know. Probably the only reason he still wants to be friends with that girl. Sure they didnt have sex, but what he did do isnt something he is about to admit. I was friends with her before I was friends with you or him. Now your pissing me off and I am writing this and we arent friends. And people are trying to tell me about a god I dont believe in and trying to change me "for the better". FUCK! Just stop trying to change me! Let me live, god damn it! 

1-10-11

Dear Monday,

Well I did not want to wake up this morning. I was sooo tired. Last night I had a huge headache and couldnt fall asleep. I woke up at 8am and got ready so I could go see my councilor, Martha. I guess she could tell that I wasnt telling her something, although I had forgotten about it, but then I remembered so I told her about what Jacelin and I had wrote to each other. Now some people dont know who Jacelin is, so I will tell you, she is my ex-best friend. It hurts to say 'ex' because she was so close to me and I still love her like a sister but she just stopped talking to me. It hurt. Like extremely. And I'm fed up with trusting people and getting hurt. I told her from the beginning. I should have listened to myself and not of gotten close. But I did get close, and it ended up with me getting really depressed. Anyway, I guess I could have helped the situation but when someone doesnt really respond what are you suppose to say? I'm still here for her, though, I hope she knows that. Well then I went to school. I want to transfer. Im not even gonna ask my mom. She will say no. I know she will because she will have to take me to school and 1) we dont have gas money, or any money, really 2) we dont have a good running car and 3) its the second semester and its the worse time to get a transfer. It sucks that I'm stuck at a school where no one cares if Im there or not. Its just, no one understands that. And if they do, they dont care enough about me to try and help the whole stupid situation. Ugh, its so.........just like life. 
Well I went to school, ate lunch, came home, then mostly just sat on the couch. Im not in a good mood, Im tired, and I just dont wanna be here right now. I hope this week ends quickly. Friday is the school talent show, $5 for a ticket, dont they know that I'm poor? That Im trying NOT to ask for money? That Im not even getting the yearbook I wanted so much because I just dont care anymore? That Im tired of hearing the words "we'll see" or "no"




Just a shout out: Thanks to Emily, Daniel, and Hannah.
True friends? I think yes! :)









Friday, January 7, 2011

1-7-11

Dear Friday,

I'm depressed. The song Only One by Alex Band, is making me depressed. I keep chanting "tears, tears, tears, tears, tears," in my head. Im not meaning to, its just happening.
The whole thing with my doctor still makes me mad. But I guess since I survived it shows just how strong I am.
Im not sure why Ive been so depressed lately, i just cant seem to keep my mind on anything, and writing this is REALLY hard. I will try to tell you how my days have been, I just dont know.
Thursday I went back to school and not much happened. I havent done any of my homework, my teachers arent really mad but they will be soon if I dont clean up my act.
Im just trying to figure things out. I dont know how to describe it anymore then that. Im trying to figure myself out and its messing up with my thinking process and emotions.
Then today I woke up and got ready for school, went to school, in child development my group and I spent almost 45minutes thinking of a slogan for a non-skid mat. (My favorite one was "Don't kill your kid!" Because that would get their attentions [parents] but that was harsh so we went with something about ruba-dub-dub)
In 8th period we took a test, Nick helped me, of course, without knowing it lol
Then I started reading my book The Shack. Which in the beginning I thought was stupid but now I am really into it!
Then school ended. Woop. I hate school, but i hate my house. Life just sucks.


Well I'm not sure what anyone wants from me, where I am going with this, or if anyone cares that I am writing this, so until I find out some answers, I'm going to stop writing (soon) and go to sleep. 






You might wander why I am starting a blog and the simple answer is: When I am gone, I want people to learn from me. Life moves on, with or without you. Life, doesnt care. If you die, the whole world isnt going to stop. Just about 10 people are going to be really upset for a couple of months, maybe a couple of years. But they will move on, just like you should have. 

1-5-11

Dear Wednesday,

I love you!
Ok, so I wake up go to school. First period is my bible class :) Coach Welborn is still as awesome as he was last year! We mostly took notes but that was okay. Second period I have a new teacher, Saralee Stevens, its a video analyzing class, so all we will do is watch old movies. We are gonna watch people like Charlie Chaplin (idk if I spelled his name right) then third period was English with Mrs.Loafman. We are starting to read a story. Woop.
Then my mom came to pick me up (at 1:30pm) and we went to my doctors office (Dr.Robinson) and my appointment was at 2:30pm but my mom thought it was at 2pm, but I didnt mind getting out of class early lol So then I waited until 2:45pm just to get into the office so I could get weighed! Then a Texas Tech student started talking to me and I told him how my year went and what medicines Im allergic to and Ive tried and stuff like that. Then at the end I was like "So I've been feeling depressed lately since the last medicine I got here didnt work so I want to be put on different pills" So then he goes and talks to some resident, the resident then comes and talks to me, its already almost 4pm! And he basically repeats what I told the other dude. Which made me mad. Then they nodded and acted like I was a hamster they were experimenting with. It pissed me off! So the resident dude went away, the student came back. Told me to get my mom, and he'll go get my doctor! Ugh, finally! lol So then Dr.Robinson came in and told me the pills I was on before WASNT FOR DEPRESSION! ARHG! Like seriously? I could have killed myself because of your carelessness! I came in for depression a year ago! And Im back so NOW your actually going to put me on antidepressants? Oh, I mean, are they real this time!? So its almost 5pm when I finally get home, with my new prescription. My mom said I could go to church, so I got ready, and we headed off with the laundry so she could do it.
At church (Monterrey Baptist Church) Chris (my youth minister) started talking about sins and stuff and it made me think. I might be baptized but Im not all that interested in God. How do I know he's real? By faith? Just having faith something is there or something is going to go a certain way doesnt mean it is there or that something is gonna go a certain way. Am I suppose to believe the bible? Its just a supernatural story for grown-ups. My friend Hannah kinda hinted that she wouldnt be my friend if it werent that I understand kind of what she's been through. I know she is trying to become a better Christian, but that hurt. Lately Ive felt like she was a true friend. I guess I just dont know anymore.

So then church ends and my mom comes and picks me up. Then we went to pick up the rest of our laundry, and now I am about to go to sleep since I have school tomorrow. I wish school would end quicker, I could learn about God, I could see Bailey, and my depression would be over with.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

1-6-11

Ok so yesterday Blogger didnt work, but I wrote my blog as a comment on Tuesday's blog.

So, Ive been through a lot today (emotionally) so Im not gonna write today, I'll write tomorrow.

If you pray, please pray.

-Sara's World.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

1.4.11

Dear Tuesday,

So I went back to school today. But I guess you already knew that since Ive been talking about it a lot. School wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. My first class (5th period) was child development. We are still on the subject of two and three year olds. I almost started crying. I miss Bailey soooo much. Then I had tech theater and I am still sitting next so Antrione. He is so annoying. He is either so hyper and noisy, he gets on my nerves, or he is so sleepy and doesnt do his work, and annoys me. And WHY am I sitting in the front? Im not a bad kid! I even got except from taking the final last month. But a good thing is that now my friend Kionu (or however you spell his name!) is now sitting next to me. He doesnt do his work either but at least he doesnt talk shit and say he's going to jump me after class. I wish people would stop talking and just DO it! Ha, Ill probably get my ass beat up, but I can respect that. Plus Antrione makes me feel so stupid. And Im not! Im really smart, well smart enough! lol Then I went to lunch but by then I was in a bad mood. I didnt eat much and just listened to my music. Then algebra. Algebra really isnt that bad, I just dont understand it, at all. I need to have my mom call my tutor so I can start seeing her again. We moved seats, so now I sit next to this Russian guy with a thick accent. And by the door, so if I ever want to walk out it wont bother the whole class :P lol Then I went to World Geography and Mrs.Winzeler's daughter is sleeping through the night lately so she is fed up with our crap and we wont get an easy ride anymore. So she says. But Im still sitting next to Nick so she doesnt have a clue. I dont understand that class either, so Nick always helps me. Or I cheat :P


When I got on the bus my new bus driver had his phone playing country music. He seems really nice, and like a newbie, but he reminds me of my dad. So does his body guard. I almost started crying (the second time today!) I also found out the guard is missing an ear........Its kinda disgusting but he tries to cover it up with a bandanna.


Well then I came home and I am so ready to actually relax. Hopefully tomorrow I can go to church! I wanna see my friends! Tomorrow I have bible class at school so if I dont go, I can still learn about God.


Tomorrow I go see my doctor, I bet she is going to put me on more medicine. Im okay with that, I just dont wanna be suicidal again. I need to stay strong! 



















Monday, January 3, 2011

1.3.11 [3]

I cant sleep. I can here my neighbors and i can here the tv. My phone wont ring and will only vibrate so i had to turn on the alarm from my clock but ive never used it before so i dont know how this is gonna go. I keep fantasizing about whats going to happen tomorrow. None of it is good. I dont have a lot of friends to lean on at school and i feel so alone so i dont know whats going to happen anymore. I think im just gonna go with my gut from now on.

1-3-11 [2]

Dear Monday,

Your ending. I wont see you for another week. Well, all good things must come to an end, of course so better things can come! :)


I went to see Martha today and I was really hyper and calmed down by the visit. She made me realize things will be okay.
Plus I got my package Daniel sent me, finally :) It had a necklace, a bracelet, a watch (which I loooovvvvvveeeeee), a memory card, and CD's.
Im gonna send Daniel a letter, I feel bad that I havent sent him anything and he's already sent me two packages.
School is tomorrow. I still dont want to go. No one understands. I cant explain it to them. If I tell them and its not a good enough reason to get out then I just feel worse because now they have a piece of me, but of course it means if I dont tell them I dont have the chance of getting out. So I suffer. I think thats partly why Im depressed. 


I keep hoping if I write the truth on here that Ill get more help, but I cant be all that honest because Im afraid people will get mad at me :/
Everything breaks my heart......Maybe I am crazy? 
Ha, I wander if I should go to a mental hospital?
Ugh I wish life wasnt so complicated.
I go see my doctor on Wednesday, she will probably put me on pills. Im gonna die if she puts me on the same ones, they didnt work, and they made me suicidal. Martha doesnt understand that. I need to get out of my head. I need to get away from here. Learn a new life. A happy life, a calm life.
I need to be around people who support and love me. Not people who only worry about themselves, but I guess Im doing the same. I have enough love to go around, to bad I'm shy. To bad I was shunned all my life and now its paying its toll. 




I will survive, I think.
Goodnight, Monday. 

1-3-11

Dear Monday,

I'm about to take a shower then go to the post office to get my 'parcel' that Daniel sent me. Then of course, since its Monday, I'm gonna go see Martha, my councilor. Life seems like its at a stand still in my house, but outside it seems like life is moving on, in fast forward. I wish my house was like that. Just keep moving. Just keep going, just keep going, just keep going :P Anyway I am so glad Monday is here so I can talk to Martha. Just school is tomorrow, I wander how long its going to be this time till I mess up again. Ugh I need to go see the dentist and start tutoring again. I dont want to go to the dentist because I keep thinking about prison. I dont know why but its funny. Tutoring is soooo boring. I wish failing didnt have any consequences. But it does, so I have to pass. Which sucks.


I am in a bad mood. I am questioning everything and anyone who wants to say or do something, like why didnt you do that or why would you say that or why cant you just do it yourself? People want other people to do everything for them and this is where I say NO. No I will not do anything for anyone because I know everyone else is to selfish to do anything for me. But thats just me rambling, and it is rambling, because when you ramble no one listens and I feel like no one is listening, except for the day of the week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and so on. Only they are listening. For now, people will start listening soon. I have a lot to say and I will get it out and I will make people listen. I have too.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

1-2-11 [2]

Dear Sunday,

Well the day is almost over. I was having a good day. But now I have a killer headache and I just want today to end. And people to stop talking crap about each other. People are so stupid, they cant think correctly because they let there hearts do the talking instead of their brains. I mean really? Just think things through! Its not hard! Nobody is THAT stupid. Well I have high hopes for this year. Well my mom has $15 dollars sitting in front of me...lol I should take it and walk to Starbucks :P

1-2-11

Dear Sunday,

School starts soon. Actually, in two days. I don't want to go back. I think I have social problems. Ok, ok, I know I do. But that's not a good enough reason to be home schooled online. Plus it cost money, which I don't have any of. There is so many problems with the world, I hate it. Actually at this moment I hate everything and everyone in life but lets not go there. See Im not suppose to talk about whats bothering me, but if I dont Im gonna go crazy. And if I go crazy people are going to take my depression and make it seem like I'm unfit to be around people. People always ask me if I'm going to hurt other people. It makes me so mad. I love people (well...lol) I will never hurt people, not on purpose anyway. But I dont think councilors and doctors understand that. They just want money, I think. I did want to become a councilor once upon a time but now I want to be a head start teacher. Anyway back on track, I will never hurt someone just because Im not in a good mood. If I do hurt anyone then it would be myself.  Dear Sunday, do you care about what I have to say? I dont think anybody does. Well Im not going to just give up because my life was taken away, Im gonna prove that I am fit to be around people. I have to.